So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My life is pants optional.
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