I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
