You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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