If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
