I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
