just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
