Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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