mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
