Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
