i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
