If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
