Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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