Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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