is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
