yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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