you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
