Kiss
Puke
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
