Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
