This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
