Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
