My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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