respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
