i just wanna soil my oats bro
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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