Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
