Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
