He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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