What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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