I got chris browned last night
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
