Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
