my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
