I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
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I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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