I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
