I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
