Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
