When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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