weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
