Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
