I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
