Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
