i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
True college students do jello shots in the library
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
