I think i peed on brittanys purse
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
