She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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