It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
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I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
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I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.