Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.