I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
