Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
