I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
