i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
