pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Randomize
