I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
