I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
