What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
why is half of my head shaved?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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