Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
