please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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