Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you had me at cake vodka
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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