shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
