im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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