Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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