The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My dick has a subreddit
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
