Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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