I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
