this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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