I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
