Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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